WORDS MATTER
a photo project
by Alla Chikinda, Galina Belova, Rita Haak
graphic design, illustrations, art by Katya Chervonnykh
art by Rare.God
translation from Russian by Ludmila Golova
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Words are commonly considered to be less important than actions. It is believed that one can say anything, but only what is done after is really meaningful. That is exactly why offensive jokes in our society aren’t thought of as something unacceptable, after all, they are just words.
Rita Haak and Galya Belova were assaulted by Galya’s ex-husband in her own apartment. This incident was the first act of physical violence, and one might assume that this case is an outlier that doesn’t imply anything more serious. However, Rita had been subjected to his offensive remarks and threatening messages more than once. A few days following the attack someone covered the walls of the apartment with drawings and words ‘The house of dirty dykes’. So, it turns out that in this case words are directly connected with actions.
This story is a good opportunity to have a conversation about homophobia and violence which, despite their obvious presence, we prefer to ignore. Rita and Galya decided to use the walls of the apartment as a foundation for a photo project and invited different people to share their stories of pain that can be caused by words.
All participants of the project are people who have faced homophobia and transphobia in the form of verbal abuse. Some of it escalated to physical violence or led to long-term bullying. Regardless, each and every story left a permanent mark on the very souls of those who were on the receiving end.
This project aims to demonstrate that hate speech and other forms of violence are inherently connected. Homophobic, sexist and racist jokes are not ‘just’ jokes, not harmless words. There is always something bigger behind them.
Kostya
“I built a prison for myself”
When I was about 18-19, I was only starting to understand myself. I remember having a crush, I really liked a boy. Without any sexual implications, I just really liked him.
I decided to confess my feelings to him and tell him that I really liked him. He responded by saying “The fuck, Kostyan, are you a fucking faggot?” He told everyone in our group of friends and I pretended I was just playing jokes.
As a result, I shut down emotionally, and for many years after that I was afraid of trusting others or showing my feelings.
I was married for 11 years. My child was 12 when I finally dared to live my truth. For a long time I had been living under pressure from society and my homophobic family. I got married because I’m a real man after all, and the rest is a passing fancy. My mom said: “If I find out one of my children is gay, I will kill them’. So, I decided: ‘Ok, you’ll never find out”.
I’m an athlete, I used to do martial arts and I have a black belt in karate. When you train, there are always some feelings, emotions that float to the surface, and you have to control them. In martial arts they teach you to follow your fear, if you are afraid of something, that’s what you should face. You’re scared of admitting you’re gay – face that.
I’m like Baron Munchausen in that I constantly had to pull myself out of the swamp by my own pigtail. I realised that this was my life, and either I would do something about it, or not. Through trial and error, scandals, and therapy. All alone, without a psychologist, I wouldn’t have made it out.
I built a prison for myself, but in the end I saw that it was of my own making. Of course, some of my relatives fell out. But really important people, my son, my brother, my ex-wife, they accept me. We still have a great relationship with her, we are friends. Those who don’t accept me, well, I simply don’t interact with them.
Alec
“I hate Mondays”
In the 7th grade, when I was 14 years old, I fully understood who I was, and that is when I had a crush on a classmate. That is also when I got my school nickname, faggot, despite the fact that seemingly nothing had caused it.
All I did was behave and dress the way I wanted and live life to the fullest.
It seems, however, that school bullies didn’t like how happy I was and one day, during recess, they сornered me, beat me up and said: “Faggot, you won’t make it till Monday”.
The whole week, as I was going to school I was terrified and only left the classroom together with my classmates, the boys who didn’t like me much but at least didn’t beat me.
On Saturday, before the day off, the bullies lost patience and stopped me in the hall, among other students, saying: “Stop hiding, you’re gonna get it now”.
At that moment, when I was ready to just fall down on the floor and not move, my classmates, sturdy boys, stood up for me and said: “This is our faggot, and only we can bully him”.
It sounds funny now, this memory, like a bad joke, but then I felt that I had someone to lean on, my school family with whom we didn’t always get along well, and yet, we were together.
Andrei
“I was afraid of the mockery and insults of my classmates. It was much easier to get a bad mark”
I faced homophobia at school, around the 5th grade. Very often the insults were based on my appearance: fringe, skinny jeans. It continued after school, too, for example, while walking around the city I used to hear comments behind my back: “You pansy”, “Are you a girl or a boy” and some names starting with Fa..
This greatly impacted me. I was a very shy and closed-off teenager, timid and afraid of expressing myself even a little. I even dreaded speaking in front of the class at school. I was afraid of the mockery and insults of my classmates. It was much easier to get a bad mark.
At 16 I found a job in food service where I met my coworkers who accepted me the way I was and helped me open through giving me support.
Despite that and some changes in my appearance, I still come across homophobic comments sometimes, not only on social media, but also in real life. In the latter case, the comments sometimes escalate to insults or even violence. To illustrate, there is the example of a recent assault which ended in theft, a broken nose, concussion and a criminal case. Considering the homophobic agenda of our state, I was pleasantly surprised when I won the court case. I am grateful to the Resource Center that helped me achieve that result.
Slava
This phrase out of my mom’s mouth hurts me the most.
Actually, in childhood, before I figured out my own identity, I and others had known that I was different and felt it subconsciously. Because of that, living in a society was pretty difficult.
I’m looking for a job now and during the interviews I make an emphasis on my gender identity first thing. Of course, no one says anything directly, but I can often glean from people’s faces, from their expressions and their choice of words why exactly I was turned down. It’s quite difficult as I’ve been searching for a job for three months already.
Once I called my mom to share my feelings and she asked me: “And what’s stopping you from fitting in? Why can’t you just be like everyone else?“
I think that this phrase of my mom who knows that I am different is what hurts me the most. I am hurt by the fact that people can’t accept that others exist, and they are not the same. They just exist.
